


the itsy bitsy spider killer

by shakeit_dontbreakit



Category: Wanna One (Band)
Genre: 2park, 2parkweek, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, IT consultant jihoon, M/M, Swearing, chamwink, dont worry theyre in love, fear fighting, its kind of gross but in a 2park way, jihoon is a jerk, massage therapist woojin, mentions of handjobs, spider killing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-25
Updated: 2018-10-25
Packaged: 2019-08-07 13:43:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16409546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shakeit_dontbreakit/pseuds/shakeit_dontbreakit
Summary: Cons of not telling Woojin about the spider: none. Well, Jihoon’s own 5-star boyfriend rating might take a little hit.Pros of not telling Woojin about the spider: all. It would be hilarious and fine revenge for Woojin joking about giving a paying client a handjob.The spider gets within a hand's width of Woojin’s head before Jihoon makes his decision.





	the itsy bitsy spider killer

**Author's Note:**

> for [2parkweek](https://twitter.com/2parkweek) specifically day 7
> 
> may or may not have been slightly inspired by a particular spider kill when jess and i celebrated international tequila day heehh

/╲/\╭[ ☉☉﹏☉☉ ]╮/\╱\

 

“Yah! There you are, you little cuttlefish.”

Jihoon looks up from his tablet and pulls one earphone out to see his boyfriend standing in front of him with hands on his hips in affront. He’s in the most secluded corner of his favorite cafe patio on what is most likely the last warm day in autumn, streaming a Battlegrounds semi-final on his tablet to pass the time until Woojin met up with him.

“Cuttlefish?” Jihoon asks, raising an amused eyebrow.

Woojin snorts and wiggles his fingers to imitate tentacles. “Camouflage.”

“Heh?” Jihoon looks down at his outfit, a burnt orange fluffy hoodie, and hums to himself when he sees he is in fact blending in quite well with the autumn foliage and flowers that surround him in his patio nook. “Oh.”

Woojin just sniggers and hops over the back of the chair opposite Jihoon, bumping the spindly metal table between them and threatening to spill Jihoon’s sickly sweet chai latte. “Sorry it ran late, the client asked for a trigger point hand treatment like ten minutes before I was done with the regular session so, being the fucking 5-star rated boyfriend you know and love, I had to oblige.”

“You’re a 5-star rated masseuse, not boyfriend.” Jihoon slings at him, smirking as he closes the streaming video and slips his tablet into his front sweater pocket. “3.5 stars, tops.”

“That’s a whole half star better than last month though. I must be learning.”

Jihoon rolls his eyes but can’t help the small grin that breaks out over his face before he manages to school his expression. He’s totally in love with the fool across from him but where’s the fun in making that apparent? “Good tip though?”

“Well yeah, after the handsie I gave him he fucking better have tipped well.” Woojin jokes, miming the motion with a lewd smirk. Jihoon is tempted to toss the quickly cooling remains of his latte in his face but opts to kick him under the table instead.

Woojin has actually been propositioned during a massage. A few times actually. Jihoon will never own up to the rush of hot, quiet rage that fills him whenever it happens, whenever Woojin jokes about it like it’s not sexual harassment. He also likes to pretend it’s not possessive jealousy over his boyfriend, which it 100% is.

Then again Woojin is simply more likely to find himself in that situation than say, Jihoon, who does IT consulting and doesn’t rub the naked skin of strangers everyday. Jihoon half-listens to Woojin share some anecdotes about today’s clients _(“the mole was THIS big, I swear it was like a chunk of ham”)_ while he finishes his drink, nodding and asking questions in the appropriate places. Jihoon’s not being rude, he’s just more interested in the intrepid spider crawling along the roof of the patio veranda above them.

Interest turns to amusement when the spider decides that it wants to lower itself on a fine thread straight above Woojin’s head. To tell or not to tell, Jihoon stalls for a few moments while Woojin rambles about the new essential oil blends he had just ordered. The itsy bitsy spider takes its time descending and Jihoon imagines just letting it land on Woojin’s unknowing little head.

Cons of not telling Woojin about the spider: none. Well, Jihoon’s own 5-star boyfriend rating might take a little hit.

Pros of not telling Woojin about the spider: all. It would be hilarious and fine revenge for Woojin joking about giving a paying client a handjob.

The spider gets within a hand's width of Woojin’s head before he makes his decision.

“Mm’k... yeah. Yep. Okay, _so_.” Jihoon starts neutrally. Woojin shuts up and tilts his head slightly, _closer_ to the spider, and Jihoon just lets out a single bark of a laugh. “I know our house spider policy is _‘live and let live’_...”

Woojin still looks confused. Jihoon ploughs on. “... but we have incoming.”

“In... coming?” Finally wising up, Woojin’s eyes bug out like golf balls and he pushes himself back and away, luckily choosing a direction that wasn’t in the spider’s path and almost throwing himself out of his chair in the process. He leans back, balancing on the hind legs of the chair, and after a moment of anxious searching actually finds the little bugger hanging at his eye level. His sudden movement creates a little draft of wind that carries the spider and swings him in a small, lazy pendulum away from and back to Woojin’s terrified face.

“Huhguddahh—Hnnah, no, nope, n-o-p-e absolutely fucking NOT.” Woojin’s belligerence might sound intimidating if it wasn’t suddenly half an octave higher than normal. Jihoon just smiles angelically, rising to his feet and walking around the table to rescue his boyfriend from a creature about the size of a gummy bear.

Woojin is whimpering a medley of, “Get it, get it babe, just f-faaack please just kill it, please get it—” while Jihoon raises both of his arms in front of his chest, flat palms parallel and facing each other and prepares to slap it between his hands.

“So you’re saying I should put it in your hair?” Jihoon teases and Woojin actually moans, shaking his head twenty times quick succession.

“Kill it—KILL it, you piece of shit. Our apartment rules don’t apply to ambushing assholes l-like this, just...”

“Ohh, _kill_ it? Ah, right. I got you babe.” Jihoon sends Woojin a wink before clapping the spider between palms with a little  _shaah_ sound effect. He could have just gotten the spider away from Woojin with no loss of life but he still has a little payback to administer and knows the perfect way to do it.

Woojin sprawls back in his chair, barely still in it, and moans deeply. “Fucking hell, how long did you wait to—uh _nope_ , nuh-uh, you are NOT.”

Jihoon opens his palms, displaying the gore of the squashed arachnid with an evil grin before approaching Woojin, looming over him in his chair. “Come here you coward.”

“No! NO, don't you dare, Jihoon, that’s be _yond_ disgusting.” Woojin whines, trying to back away from Jihoon's approaching spider hands.

Brooking no further protest Jihoon grabs Woojin’s cheeks strongly before pulling him up into a deep, disgusting spider-killer kiss. Woojin rejects it immediately but eventually the pull of Jihoon’s lips overcomes the undertow of _gross spider hands_ and he’s about to get into the kiss when Jihoon pulls away and lightly wipes the spider guck further across Woojin’s cheekbones with low, maniacal laughter.

Woojin, thoroughly defeated, slides dramatically out of his chair and onto the fallen leaves collected on the patio, viciously wiping his face of the dead spider. With final little laugh Jihoon walks through the door to the cafe proper, muttering, “I should wash my hands, huh.”

“WITH FUCKING BLEACH.” Woojin bellows from the ground.

Don’t worry, they’re in love.

 

/╲/\╭[ ××﹏×× ]╮/\╱\

**Author's Note:**

> happy halloween! try not to kill spiders srsly they kill the shittier bugs and feed other things and keep the ecosystem in balance just leave em be. only jihoon get to kill them because this world is his and he gets to do whatever he wants
> 
> this was supposed to be a twt drabble for 2pw but i wrote too much whoops
> 
> say hi in comments below or show me some love-love on [twitter](https://twitter.com/tinylittlebell?lang=en)


End file.
